Friday, July 18, 2008

Just thinking

Its been a while since I've blogged so felt I at least needed to check in. Today is Friday, but it's my Thursday. Working in a park is wonderful. I've been doing it for almost 9 years. I love being able to go to work, and be surrounded by incredible beauty. I work late tonight, as I will be leading a full moon hike. I work late tomorrow as well. We have a cowboy poet coming to entertain our camping visitors.

But tomorrow is also a good friend's bridal shower. Two weeks ago I missed my nieces 4th birthday. Working on Saturdays isn't bad. That's when the rest of the world plays and it is fun to interact with them. But I have now missed out on 9 years of Saturday family and friend activity.
I had a strange experience last fall/winter. I was miserable. The pull for change was strong. I couldn't "feel" my work. Generally, I can get immersed in my work. Love it. Soak it up. Share it with passion. But not this time. And it lasted for several months. By the time spring/summer hit, I was feeling much better. Work was enjoyable again. Now, however, as mid-summer is upon us, and Fall creeps ever closer, I feel myself loosing that excitement, that love and passion for my job. There is something to be said about working in an area or a field that you absolutely love. There is also the risk that being exposed so often, in a work setting, to those things you love, that you could become desensitized to it all, and loose the excitement and wonder.

While heading up a mountain canyon last night, a moose wondered into the road. It didn't care about the cars (or bikes) passing him. He just nibbled at tasty things on the road, taking his time. As cars slowed down to get a good look at such an incredible animal, I found myself bothered a little, and just wanted them to move along so I could continue on to my destination. That struck me.

The natural world fills my head, heart, and soul. But I wonder if it's becoming just a "job" now. If continuing to work in a park is going to cause me to loose my sense of wonder and awe, then maybe it's time to move on. That may be what I've been feeling lately anyway. The need to move on. Not only for the sake of change, but to keep my sense of adventure and wonder alive.


Felicia said...

I've been in your shoes. A few years back, I tried changing jobs and took up something I thought I would love (baking and pastry-making) and ended up hating doing that professionally. Even worst, it actually made me lose my taste for chocolate and ice-cream for a while--this should give you an idea of how horrid it was!

And I realized I missed my old line of work, despite all the tedium, politics, and low pay it involves. I don't know what the right move is for you, but I've found that the ideal career should involve something you like doing (money alone won't be enough to motivate you through the inevitable rough days), and something you care enough about spiritually to make the unavoidable politics/weird hours/etc. worth the trouble.

Good luck to you.

Corey said...

I tried to comment on this yesterday, but my internet crapped out. Immediate feedback is better, but a day later is the best I could do in this case.

I relate your story to my first ever sighting of an Indigo Bunting. It was barely 4 months ago, and I was so thrilled! I found a bunch of them at the same time, memorized their song, and really studied their behavior. What an exciting bird! Now I find myself p'shawing at the IB's when I see them . . almost as if I was tired of them. Complacency has set in, and I need to remind myself of that excitement I felt a short time ago when I first discovered that particular bird.

My advice to you, should you choose to accept it, is as follows. Go to the mall. For 8 hours. 2 days in a row. Eat in the food court by yourself both days. Then go into a few stores and listen to some teenagers sell t-shirts to their customers. Look at their faces while they are working. Their expressions will match the feeling you're describing, yet they were excited as hell to get that job at Abercrombie last summer, and they were excited to go back to it this summer. Somewhere, though, the excitement waned. Yours is waning now too, and you need a little perspective. I envy your job every time I read your blog, and I think most of your readership probably feels the same way. Just reset your point of view a little bit, and maybe take a weekend off to recharge. If you quit that job you'll officially be a crazy person.

Sorry if that was harsh advice . . that's just how I roll.

Sparverius said...

Thanks Felicia - I agree that one needs to do what they love, but then there's that risk of ending up hating what you once loved. I'm glad you like chocolate and ice cream again. :) Thankfully I don't hate the natural world, or being out in it. Just feeling a tug in another direction. Maybe so I don't totally desensitize to it all.

Corey - Thanks for the advice. If I were a teenager just entering into the "real world" with no real clue as to what I wanted to with my life, it might fit better. But as it is, I am certainly not making light of this decision process. And it's true, when I step back and look at this incredible opportunity I have to work where I do, I think I am crazy for even considering changing it. But I am also looking at it from my heart side. And for the past year, my heart has been calling for change. I've actually stepped back several times to re-set my perspective. We'll see how things pan out.

deejbrown said...

Oh...yes, I do understand more than anyone could possibly know. But perhaps it's a break from the people-part of your job that is needed. Humans can be as draining as they are rewarding. Maybe a personal retreat is in order?